Counting to Six Million

Sleep faster, my son says. He’s poking

at my eyelids, pulling at the pillows, the helicopter

hum of anticipation rising in his throat as I reach out

and spin him onto the bed. I want to set my heels

once more in the soft underbelly of his childhood,

airlift him from danger, from disease, from all his fears,

which are maybe not even his fears at all, but only mine.

Yet now as he hovers above me, my body splayed out

like my father’s before me, my every breath is less a prayer

than a love letter torn open in desperation.

II.

Remember, I say, when we counted to six million,

a visualization of tragedy, one half hour a day

for two years, and that, for the tribe only; it would take

another whole year for the gypsies, the Catholics, the gays,

the foreigners, the Negroes, the artists, the philosophers, etc.

You were barely six at the time, your mother wondering

what the hell I was thinking, and even now I can’t fathom

why I didn’t just hold you close—

It would have taken only a moment—

And say whatever it was that I really wanted to say.

III.

I’m watching Batman reruns when the telephone rings.

Holy Charoset, I yell at the kitchen wall, call back later.

Maybe I threw some raisins, I don’t remember.

We’re already married, your mother and I,

but at the time, don’t ask, I was living alone.

And so I’m laughing, mostly from boredom, but still, laughing,

while my father lay dying, gasping for breath in some dirty gutter,

gunned down for a half-empty briefcase, a gefilte fish sandwich,

and a New York Post which the next day would have

his picture on the twenty-eighth page; one more dead Jew.

IV.

You burst into the room, fifth grade facts burning your tongue

like Moses’ coal. 100 people die every minute, you tell me

as I turn down the TV; and then, gleefully: 50 since I’ve been

in this room, and now 75 and now . . . O my little census bureau,

my prince of darkness, my prophet of numbers, riddle me this:

how many grains of sand before you can call it a desert?

And where were you the day Kennedy was shot? CNN, interrupting,

asks. My grandmother clicks her tongue like she’s chopping onions

in the old country. Poor boy, she says, pointing.

And there’s John-John again, waving that little flag, still saluting.

And who will remember my father when I am gone? And

how many have died since his death? And what’s one more.

or one less. And what do I know of my father’s father?

I’m waiting outside, engine humming, as my son,

eighteen, registers. And now he’s shouting,

running towards me, arms pumping above his head.

He’s Moses the moment before spying the golden calf.

He’s his great grandfather crawling underground to freedom.

He’s my father flying medical supplies, surviving the crash.

My mother must have held him close. You’re home, she cries, safe.

VI.

Vietnam, I say, or Sarajevo. Afghanistan, my son answers, or Iraq.

My father would have said Germany. He could have said Japan.

Nobody says anonymously. Nobody says Gotham.

Korea, my cousin says, or Kosovo. My great grandfather

says South Africa. His great grandfather says Spain.

Somebody says Egypt now; somebody, Egypt then.

Nobody says suddenly. Nobody says Brooklyn. I’m counting

myself to sleep, when my wife hears a sound at the door. Careful,

she whispers. We’re alone, in an empty house; my every breath

reminding me I’m older than my father, on the day of his death.

VII.

There are more people breathing this very moment, my son insists,

than have ever died. He’s home from college, so I don’t double-check.

He’s driven a long way to surprise me on my birthday. Are you sure

you can’t stay, I ask, holding him close. He looks full of hope;

a woman I’ve never seen before at his side. Welcome home,

I tell my wife. She’s just turned twenty-four. I’m childless,

fatherless. It’s the day of the funeral; Nineteen years until

the twin towers. Three thousand since Moses murdered

the overseer. But that’s not what I’m thinking. One, two, three,

she says, guiding me inside. How could we not fall back in love?

Source: Battles & Lullabies (University of Illinois Press, 2006)